Remember all those ridiculous haters talking all kinds of trash about the “Beware” advantage being another addition to the busted Survivor twists collection before they even knew what it was? I’m so disappointed in the Survivor fan base for not trusting production. I, for one, only had positive things to say. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Welcome back to my raw, unfiltered satire where I let everybody know how I feel about the latest episode of Survivor. If you would like more constructive thoughts, listen to our recap podcast here. BUT I’M NOT HERE TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE. I’M HERE TO DIAL IT UP TO 11 FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

ICYMI: Last Week’s Overreaction

Survivor 41, Episode 2 OVERREACTIONS

Our episode opens up with Ua tribe recapping their previous vote. Brad, more confused than a goat on astroturf, is honestly confused about why he received a vote. He’s about as self-aware as Adam Driver in the first half of the over-memed “Good Soup” scene. BRAD, DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU TOLD SARA AND SHAN TO THEIR FACES THEY SHOULD BE THE ONES TO GO. “Oh, but Derek, he just didn’t want to throw Genie under the bus. He’s most closely aligned with Genie and JD so it was in his best interest to throw other people under the bus regardless of how public it was.” Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh. There are much better ways to do that! The problem is Brad has all the social dexterity of a bull in a china shop. (EXHIBIT 2) Brad channels his inner Usain Bolt and sprints down the beach just so he can pretend to be Tony Vlachos. HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE HE STOOD! Did I mention he did this in plain view of Shan and Genie? Anything he learned on his foray to the water well was completely undone. Just like a Vikings kicker, Brad missed the mark again. I’ll be genuinely shocked if the edit shows him making a correct move. 

Next, the edit threw in a totally incognito foreshadowing about Deshawn losing in final four firemaking (rinses with mouthwash). Thank you for the suspense; I greatly appreciate it. Get rid of forced final four firemaking. ANYWAY, Naseer does the exact opposite of Brad. He proves himself valuable and sociable, knocking Erika / Heather into the danger spots on the Luvu tribe. This is how a little subtlety and finesse can reward you in Survivor. AGAIN, NOT LIKE THIS MATTERS. Luvu is going to waltz into the post-merge like Survivor Australia’s Kym Johnson did during Dancing with the Stars (not to be confused with Survivor US’s Kim Johnson, best known for losing to Ethan in Africa). REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN I SAID PUNITIVE CHALLENGES HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE AND DON’T WORK!? PEPPERIDGE FARM REMEMBERS! Punitive challenges are worse than the theatrical version of Dear Evan Hansen. Honestly, Luvu should buy Jeff a steak dinner for gifting them an ex-NFL player and a Disney FastPass into the post-merge.

Speaking of theme parks, Xander’s game is like a rollercoaster without a safety bar! Last week, he put all his chips on red and volunteered to visit spooky ghost mystery exile island and earned an extra vote. This week, he found the “dangerous” Beware advantage. He put his chips back on red and ended up with a worse deal than the one Disney tried to give Scarlett Johansson for her work on Black Widow! He farkled HARD, absolutely to the benefit of my entertainment! The payoff of Xander awkwardly talking about butterflies being dead relatives saying “hi” at the challenge was peak comedy. George Carlin is the king, but only slightly below that is this moment in Survivor history. Rewind with me a moment and let’s talk shop -- I LOVE THE BEWARE MECHANIC! Production literally dared Xander to open that envelope; this urge was reinforced by 15 seasons of nonstop hidden treasure lurking in Fiji. We may not have the Survivor Auction anymore, but this is as close to a blind auction as Survivor is going to get, and I LOVE it! This adds choices for the players, AND NERFS PREMERGE IDOLS! I’m so happy! I’m like Uncle Rico putting on his old high school football helmet, or like Tallahassee finally biting into a Twinkie! I’ll eat my crow. YUM YUM YUM! Production, you win this round!

Luvu wins immunity, to exactly no one’s surprise. I was more shocked to have a second piece of photographic evidence to verify Heather’s existence! Caught in 4K. The only other thing worth mentioning is Tiffany’s complete flub on the balance beam. This can only go one of two ways: (1) Tiffany will get voted out next week like Ryan and Daniel from Survivor Amazon, or (2) Tiffany wins like Chris Daugherty from Vanuatu. Definitely leaning more toward the former after the paranoia sets in! Just in time because Yase loses the challenge. I told you last week Yase isn’t going to win literally anything. How thoughtful of them to prove me right. Even Evvie agrees with me! During her visit to Space Mountain Casino, Evvie is sure to spill literally every grain of rice into the fire. Makes sense given how much Yase reminds me of Luzon, now the second worst starting tribe ever. Yes, Chaos Kass and co. can rest easy as they watch this absolute trainwreck of a tribe challenge them for the crown of ineptitude.

Back at camp, Tiffany does her best Jamie Spears impression and absolutely takes control of all her alliance’s important decisions. #FreeBritney. Good gravy. Tiffany’s behavior reminded me of that coworker who never does anything wrong. You know the one. The one everyone hates. Yeah, that one. If you suck at a challenge, you suck at a challenge. It doesn’t mean flick on the backseat light and grab the wheel while mom and dad are driving! Relax Tiffany! R-E-L-A-X. Your paranoia is like US inflation. Transitory! Your stock will go back up. Don’t sell out here! … Hot take: Tiffany is not very good at Survivor. The paranoia will eat her alive and she will get drug along until her x-factor proves too off kilter to correct. I’m disappointed in Evvie and Liana for conforming to Tiffany’s wishes. They literally didn’t need her vote because *hehe* Xander was in the gladiator ring without a weapon. Hopefully no one talks about broccoli at the next immunity challenge, or Xander may be out for blood! 

Lightning Round --

WOMEN’S ALLIANCES TERRIFY THE EVER-LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME! THERE IS NO WAY FOR ME TO BE INCLUDED IN SUCH AN ALLIANCE. Thanks a bunch, seasons 34-40. Now we’re going to get 4 straight seasons of total female domination. THAT’S AWESOME! LADIES, GET YOURS! YOU DESERVE IT! I’m just not going to be thrilled when I get voted out because production decisions accidentally forced the hands of women to stay together or get unfairly overshadowed by the men they align with.

Evvie is a glorious gift from the Survivor Gods. Yase tribe is Dunder-Mifflin and Evvie is Jim.

Xander has cemented himself in Survivor history with his purple butterfly quote. GENIUS PRODUCTION!

The second Voce received emotional development, I knew he was a goner. SO MUCH POTENTIAL!

Brad is not good at Survivor. Brad is really good for this season and I hope he sticks around!

Genie is currently in a bottle. We aren’t getting much from her. Come on editors! I’M CALLING YOU OUT!

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

Shan is still winning this season. I’m telling you.

Stick a Fork in ‘Em

100% Tiffany. She could get voted out next or get absolutely shredded by the jury on Day 26. Regardless, she is NOT winning. (Week 1: Brad).