OH NO! OUR SURVIVOR! IT’S BROKEN!

Yes, that’s right. Back at it again with the nearly-mindless satire where I express all of my most extreme thoughts and judgements about the most recent episode of Survivor. If you're looking for nuance and careful thinking with reasonable justification, you've come to the wrong place. Today’s subject: Season 41, Episode 3 “My Million Dollar Mistake”.

ICYMI: Last Week’s Totally Rational Thoughts

Survivor 41, Episode 3 OVERREACTIONS

3… 2… 1… Liftoff!

Liana feels manipulated by Tiffany. Who the heck am I as some online bench rider to tell her how to feel? I am nobody. I am anonymous. I do not matter. Yet somehow I am more likely to win Survivor 41 than Tiffany. So if letting Tiffany play out her little paranoid fantasy on a pre-merge victim keeps the band together, I guess I’ll allow it, and Liana should too. I do think Xander would be more loyal than Voce to the original Yase in the event of a tribe swap, but what do I know?

Speaking of Tiffany, she managed to find the unnecessarily well-hidden “Beware” advantage. Her last name must be “Hantz” for her to have found that advantage without a clue. Oh wait. Nevermind. Just like the LAST “Beware” advantage that was barely hidden, it was basically dropped into the castaways’ laps. It makes sense… Jeff promised the audience this season would be “dangerous”. No time for surreption or discretion. That’s good since I’m not sure Tiffany has a secretive bone in her entire body! As such, Evvie and Liana immediately found out that she gets to go to the clandestine meeting in the middle of the night. Seriously, sometimes watching Tiffany’s game is like watching those mobile game advertisements where they play badly on purpose to enrage you into downloading it. Anyway...

Brad and Sydney discover their equally difficult-to-find invites to the Survivor midnight ball. On the way to the island, the editors almost perfectly recreate the Skyrim cutscene opening. I half expected a shirtless Ozzy to appear on the boat (alongside a bound and gagged Boston Rob), expressing his concern, “Hey you, you’re finally awake, basically.” Dang Stormcloaks. Tiffany shows some restraint by instantly gaslighting Sydney worse than what Madame Trunchbull did to Miss Honey. “Oh, obviously you take the tarp and we’ll take the steal-a-vote.” This brand of brusque is something I would expect of Brad, yet he is actually the adult in the room and plays this nearly to perfection! The purpose of the meeting? Another prisoner’s dilemma with their next vote at stake. I actually love how every advantage has a negative trade-off. Basically, advantages found this season are like alchemy from FMA. Producers figured out that social risk wasn’t great enough, so they upped the ante. I like this A LOT. Did I mention after all that fuss, Tiffany takes the tarp anyway? Literally couldn’t have gone worse. Her game is burning like a cane field in high winds.

At the immunity challenge, Brad utters the magic idol phrase, but it came out like someone fed the English words into a Samoan translator and then back through an English translator again. Actually, that isn’t true. I tried it and the result was “I didn’t know it until now, but broccoli is just a small vegetable.” TECHNOLOGY IS ASTOUNDING! Okay, we need a better comparison… Brad’s translation of the utterance was worse than The Squid Games’ English subtitles! Oh, and Luvu wins again. Shocker. Feels like I’m watching a 90s reboot of That 70’s Show. So why am I still typing? BECAUSE YASE IS NO LONGER THE WORST STARTING TRIBE IN HISTORY! Not today, Ulong! While JD was trying to finger roll his way to victory, Xander pulled out the granny shots and 100% saved himself from the tyrannical Tiffany (let’s be honest, Xander was in no danger. Tiffany would’ve voted out Liana just in case Xander had an idol because broccoli).

JD continues his rough episode when he literally gets caught with an advantage in his pants. If he’d have been less concerned with getting his immaculate upper body on national television and more concerned about not lookin’ as suss as the couch-guy, maybe this whole thing could’ve been avoided. And apparently we have trust crystals now. This should be proof that JD is playing hard and selfishly, right? Shan and Ricard, firmly in the driver’s seat(s), should vote him out while the advantage is effectively powerless, right? Absolutely. Perhaps it would have gone that way, but let’s rewind a bit. Remember how critical I was about Tiffany getting found out by Evvie and Liana? Well Brad decided he would tell Shan about the meeting AND the idol beware advantage he found on the same day. Advantages known by more than you are not advantages this early. Rookie mistake. Justin Fields looked better in his debut game against the Browns. Now Shan knows Brad is heavy two notes and she deems him the clear and present danger… Goodnight, sweet Brad.

In an alternate universe, Shan made the right move and voted out JD. Unfortunately, such competence is not tolerated on the Sacred Timeline and that version of Shan was immediately pruned by the TVA for insubordination. This is literally the only hypothesis I can muster that explains voting out someone so completely devoted to you as an ally as opposed to someone caught red-handed in shirtless deception. Plus, Shan could’ve walked away with JD’s extra vote without fear of repercussion! I am completely flummoxed. Now she needs to rule JD with fear… the thing about ruling with fear is you can never turn your back. JD now knows he can’t beat Shan in the finals and will actively be plotting her downfall. ON THE OTHER SIDE, HOT DIGGITY, I LOVE HOW JD GAVE UP HIS ADVANTAGE TO EARN BACK TRUST! Even if Napoleon Dynamite can’t use JD’s trust crystals to power his time machine, there was enough power supplied by a Hail Mary advantage gifted to a pastor to save JD for at least one more vote. JD really messed up, but he managed to save himself. WHAT A GOOD MOVE! Even if Shan just preferred to save JD, the extra vote would have made no difference in his pocket. This was the ONLY play and I love to see it. 

Closing Thoughts

WHERE IS THIS “MONSTER”? Maybe the real monster is the friends we made along the way. Maybe we all become monsters in our insatiable quest to acquire wealth and power in an ever-degrading civil construct? Or more likely, the monster is just more soggy pizza on reward.

STOP SAYING “DANGEROUS”! That word is officially a taboo. May Lord Voldemort strike you down. Jeff has already said it more than Akon in the 2008 single “Dangerous”. Don’t worry. I did the leg work. Akon included that word 16x in a three minute song. Incredible that Jeff broke the record. By the way, having Brad and Sydney say it in confessional was about as discreet as Tiffany’s social manipulation.

Naseer, brev, no… All I know is I know nothing. The edit about Naseer cannot be trusted. This doesn't nullify his horrible move to over-strategize with Sydney despite being on an absolute unit of a tribe. Don't rock the boat! Conversely, Naseer obviously trusts Sydney and that's a credit to her social game. Quite clearly, Sydney is the greatest social threat in the history of Survivor. 🚫🧢. Sidenote, I unironically love Sydney's IDGAF attitude on Twitter! I may never pick her to win Survivor, but retweeting her haters is HILARIOUS!

Shan may be too nice for Survivor after all. Keeping JD against all strategic sense is very revealing. Winners aren’t always perfect, so she can still win… But I’m rooting for JD to cut her throat. For now though, Shan and Ricard got JD dancing like the little lad who loves berries and cream.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

I’ll stick with Shan for now, but she’s on thin ice.

Stick a Fork in ‘Em

I’m going to roll with Genie this week. She lost her closest ally and is criminally under-edited. It’s nothing that she’s done per se; just trying to read between the lines (previously Brad, Tiffany).