AN ARTICLE WHERE I’M FREE TO EXPRESS MY EVERY THOUGHT IN A CALM, LEVEL-HEADED MANNER! THIS IS DEEEFINITELY NOT SATIRE AND IS ABSOLUTELY HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING I’M SAYING. 

Read to the end to see my way too early winner pick and to see my one person who can’t win the game. I’ll pick a different sure-fire loser every week so the internet can destroy me when I stick a fork in the eventual winner.

Survivor 41, Episode 1 OVERREACTIONS

Season 41, episode 1 of Survivor US aired this week and it’s literally the greatest thing that’s happened to me since this garbage pandemic started in early 2020. Yeah, I remember Winners at War. Yeah, I remember who won. What do you want from me? I’ve watched, taken notes, and podcasted about 12 seasons of Survivor since Mr. “I’m-Gonna-Build-A-Crappy-Ladder-And-It-Somehow-Works-As-A-Ladder-But-Also-Is-A-Symbol-For-My-Gameplay” walked away with the season 40 crown. 

This is on top of a full-time job and making sure I can finish a 5th rewatch of Outlander because my wife is OBSESSED with Jamie Fraser. SARA, I’M 10% SCOTTISH! I’M BASICALLY HIM! YOU HAVE THE REAL JAMIE FRASER LIVING WITH YOU AT HOME! GAH! Kill me! It’s been 18 months! I’m starving more than this new cast will be WITHOUT ANY RICE! Speaking of the cast, DID EVERYONE ELSE SEE HOW AMAZINGLY DIVERSE THEY ARE!? Holy bananas, I hope we get some fireworks! I love the vibe from the new cast! AND THE TWO HOUR PREMIERE MEANT WE GOT TO KNOW THEM ALL (except Purple Heather, who I’m sure will win the game a la Tina)!

The Game

JEFF GOES FULL DEADPOOL WALKING DOWN A PATH IN THE FIJIAN JUNGLE, BREAKING THE 4TH WALL AND PLAYING HYPE MAN FOR HIS SOUL-PROJECT! WE MISSED YOU TOO, JEFF! He then immediately crashes the golf cart and over-teases some ridiculous “Beware” advantage. Knowing Survivor, the “Beware” advantage is probably some overpowered, unbalanced brain-child of Tyler Perry back to completely ruin another promising season. The only solace I have going into episode 2 is that production did a mighty fine job of hiding this nuclear nonsense. OH WAIT, NO, JEFF STUCK IT IN A CRACKED TREE BRANCH ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF YASE’S CAMP! I bet he hid the other one in Brad’s hair or possibly under Danny’s pillow since Danny included in his bio that he wants to play like Ben “They Definitely Didn’t Hide A Third Idol Under My Bed” Driebergen. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE “BEWARE” ADVANTAGE IS AND I ALREADY HATE IT! Actually, the advantage is probably just in the form of information where the castaway learns that instead of a vote-out at final 5, it will be a virtual reality “battle royale” first person shooter, brought to you by Oculus, Verizon, and Mountain Dew.

Also, Jeff and co. are reviving the ever-successful punitive challenge performances … BECAUSE THAT HAS WORKED SO WELL IN THE PAST! We’ve literally already done this. Why don’t you just give the entire Luvu tribe a free pass into the post-merge? It’d save on production. Some new producer who hasn’t ever watched Survivor probably pitched this idea and instead of getting tossed out the window, they were promoted to Head of Gameplay Integrity. Next season, I bet they bring back the Outcast twist.

Lastly, let’s talk about how the Season doesn’t have a gimmicky tagline (eg. Brains, Brawn, Beauty 7). That’s because they saved all their gimmicky insanity for the actual game. I’ve got a tagline for you! Survivor 41: Mario Party! That’s right. Chance time is here, baby! Literally rolling a die for immunity at tribal now! Wonderful! Again, why not just say you want to host a Candyland tournament?!

The Tribes

WE’RE BACK TO A MAROONING AND WE AREN’T GETTING ANY RICE. What a big change. They’ve never done this, except of course in Season 4. I thought Jeff said to drop the “4”? SEEMS LIKE WE ACTUALLY DROPPED THE “1” JEFF! 

Right out of the gate, Yase can’t even find an oar on a boat roughly the size of a New York City studio flat. Jeff even had to tell them to social-friggen-distance and stay out of his bird’s nest. THEN THE YAHOO DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK THE ONLY OTHER LADDER ON THE DECK! There is a metaphor here about being up Jeff’s Creek without a paddle. Yase is clearly the worst starting tribe in the history of the game. They will win nothing and it will be glorious.

Speaking of galaxy-brain moves, Luvu went full Ulong and decided the best way to paddle a dingy was with an anchor attached. NOBODY THOUGHT TO CHECK THE DRAG!? Bobby Jon Drinkard was smiling ear-to-ear watching another tribe work too hard for too little payoff. The only thing keeping Luvu from being the worst starting tribe of all time is the size of Danny’s pectorals.

Now let’s get to the beach. Danny and Deshawn decide the best course of action after paddling with an iron weight chained to their boat is more physical exertion. Yeah, Xander and Voce, I’m looking at you too! This is the kind of boneheaded move that gets you voted out early, and you would deserve it. Luvu and Yase are both total messes.

BUT LET’S NOT FORGET UA TRIBE. Brad thinks open forum voting discussion is a good idea. SARA WAS RIGHT; THAT IS SOME 2001 LEVEL STUPIDITY. Can’t forget JD, who obviously thinks being in EVERY conversation is how to make friends on a game where building social capital is like investing at the height of GME! *STONKS!*

The Players

Brad: GREAT JOB MAKING FRIENDS! If I’m on your tribe, I’m making YOU do the next puzzle and voting YOU out when YOU lose!

Genie: MORE LIKE GENIE-US! Like, as in, GENIUS! Throwing a vote on Ricard in case Sara Yahtzee’d her way to immunity! Underrated move. NOT ON MY WATCH!

Ricard: I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW MUCH, BUT I GET THE SENSE YOU THINK YOU’RE IN TROUBLE SINCE GENIE THREW A VOTE AT YOU! YOU WERE THE CONTINGENCY PLAN! BE SCARED!

Sara: YOU’RE ONLY GONE BECAUSE BRAD CAN’T WIN THE GAME!

Shan: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SOUL! SHAN IS GOING TO WIN THE WHOLE SEASON. A cut-throat pastor? Sounds like the main character of a crappy B-level horror movie, but dang it I’M HERE FOR IT!

JD: HAS AN EXTRA VOTE, BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS HE’S LYING. *Giggles* I’m in danger!

Voce: You have a 6.25% chance of winning Survivor. And it’s actually a 16.66% repeating chance for immunity. Safety would be guaranteed if your tribe performed better in the challenge.

Abraham: Trying to throw someone under the bus for diving into the water as proof of their inability to contribute physically is possibly the dumbest thing I heard on Wednesday… Especially because you couldn’t find an oar.

Evvie: Getting strong Denise vibes from this one. Keep a watchful eye on Evvie as we move through the pre-merge.

Liana: She has an alliance with Evvie. That’s literally all we know.

Tiffany: My wife is a teacher, so I love Tiffany by default. My dark horse pick to win the season.

Xander: I LOVE XANDER’S ENERGY! LET’S KEEP IT GOING!

Danny: The only BAAAD move was choosing to leave the beach. Everything else was only a little bad. Hiding the NFL occupation is a good move and telling the truth about the field trip seems to have worked for now. I have high hopes!

Deshawn: Volunteering for “sweat” was dumb, but you built a strong bond with Danny and also seem to have a good enough tie with Sydney to get her blabbing about valuable information. I’m intrigued!

Erika: ALL WE REALLY KNOW IS THAT ERIKA IS SUPER EXCITED TO PLAY SURVIVOR! I’M EXCITED TO WATCH ERIKA PLAY! LET’S GO!

Heather: I’m pretty sure there isn’t a “Heather” on this season.

Naseer: Noooooooooo! Build positive bonds! Don’t try and create negative emotion on day ONE! GAHHHH!

Sydney: I will never pick a lawyer or a law student to win the game. 

Other Things

Let’s get this out of the way. THE CHANGE FROM “COMMONINGUYZ” TO “CMONIN”. I HAVE REALLY STRONG THOUGHTS ON THIS SUBJECT! … Inclusive language is important, so anytime we can make a small change that sets a good national example, I’m all for it. ON THE SUBJECT OF INCLUSIVITY AND EQUITY -- IS THERE STILL FIRE MAKING AT FINAL FOUR?!?!?! Does Survivor know how many women have won the game since that mighty fine flagship idea was implemented?! SURVIVOR DOESN’T NEED TO BE FAIR, BUT MAKING IT MORE UNFAIR IS RIDICULOUS! Drop final four fire making or move the last idol expiration to the final 6. But for real. Drop the final four fire making.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

Shan is clearly winning in an Evvie, Shan, and Xander final 3.

Stick a Fork in Them

Brad. Brad cannot win the game.